Needing You
by fadedmystery
Summary: One thing about her is,she loves familiarity.For a long time now,she's been fighting with him because it's familiar,because it's the only thing between them she knows.Anything else scares her.So suddenly realizing that she -might- need him? Terrifying.


Hey! First of all, thank you so much to all who have read and reviewed Beautiful…your comments made my day : ) This story is in Casey's point of view, since I wanted to see if I could write in her POV as well. I'm not entirely sure what to make of this story, so you guys be the judge.

**Needing You**

She wants to scream. She wants to throw something, yell at the world and at the same time, curl up into a ball and cry until there are no tears left. Most of all, she just wants to get out of here as soon as possible.

She's entitled to that feeling, the more lucid part of her mind says to her. After all, it's probably the typical sort of reaction someone has when they've just seen their boyfriend kissing his ex. Who just so happens to be their cousin.

And it hurts so _damn_ much.

There's a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach, and a tightening in her chest that's making it hard for her to breathe. Traces of tears are beginning to blur her vision, and she actually feels disoriented. Oh, and she's also feeling sad and hurt, but right now, she's mostly feeling supremely pissed off, and the particular feeling isn't just directed towards her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

Because her entire world's just fallen apart, and her _wonderful_ stepbrother—who was supposed to be 'chaperoning' her (yeah right, like the girl who actually set her own curfew needs chaperoning)—is too busy chatting up and dancing with some random blonde to turn around and listen to her request to leave.

"Can't talk. Dancing," is the only thing that Derek says, and he doesn't even look at her while he's saying it.

The tightening in her chest worsens, and she doesn't know how much longer she can stand being in this place. "Derek, let's go, please," she says, and she hates how small and vulnerable her voice sounds.

This time he really does turn around. He looks surprised for a moment, and she knows that she must look completely pathetic. When he asks, she tries to tell him what happened, but she's having difficulty saying the K word (yeah, she can't even say it in her own head. How can one single word cause so much pain?), and he asks, looking confused, "Kayaking?" (Really, how clueless can he be?)

She finally manages to say the word (and wow, it manages to make her heart break a little bit more). She's a bit startled to see this strange look on his face before he leaves her. She wonders where he might've gone off to, but she finally understands when Truman and Vicky try to apologize to her.

The drive home is silent. When it's just the two of them, he doesn't say a word; he just keeps his eyes on the road, and she's actually quite thankful for that, because now, she can wallow and kick herself for being so stupid in silence.

They're outside the front door of their house when he finally speaks again. "Hey, Casey--"

"What?" she snaps at him. "In case you didn't notice, I just got my heart broken, Derek, and I'm tired, so if you want to make fun of me, can you please show some shred of human decency for once and wait until I'm actually strong enough to handle it?"

He rubs the back of his neck and shrugs. "I was just going to say…you know…" he begins awkwardly, almost as if he was regretting ever opening his mouth. "It's not your fault."

"Huh?" Wait, what did he just say? More importantly, did _Derek Venturi_ just say something nice to _her_?

"You know…" He actually looks extremely uncomfortable, like he doesn't know how to say what he's about to say. "You may be a neurotic, impossible-to-deal-with, argumentative bitch most of the time, but…what he did? You… had nothing to do with it. That was all him."

Casey knows that she must be really messed up right now. Because she's pretty sure Derek's just called her a bitch, among other things. And she actually finds it sweet.

For a moment, she just stands there, her mind frantically processing this moment under the _Rare Times That Derek Wasn't Being An Ass_ folder in her brain. When it's filed and tucked away neatly, she manages to tell him a thank you, only it sounds more like a question than an answer, because really, what else do you say in these types of situations?

Inside the house, she finally allows herself to cry in the arms of her mom, and she kind of feels like a five-year-old who's just skinned her knee. Of course, he bolts at the sight of tears, but she hardly notices it. She tells her mom that Truman is scum, and that Derek might not be that bad after all.

(While she's lying awake that night, it finally occurs to her that she's just associated 'Derek' with the word 'nice', or, at the very least, 'decent'. She decides she doesn't regret it.)

..-*-*-*-*-*-..

The first month of university is surprisingly rough for her. While she knew that it was going to be difficult, she was an independent girl and never expected everything to be this hard.

Casey's the only one in her dorm room. It's Friday night, and her roommate Anne had gone out to "have some fun and get a life," as she eloquently put it. She'd invited Casey to come along, but she hadn't accepted.

Now, though, she's beginning to think that maybe she should've said yes to Anne's offer. With no one else for company and nothing to do, she has nothing to distract her, so in true Casey fashion, her mind and emotions go into obsessive-thinking overdrive. (She's never noticed how stifling and loud silence can be until this moment.)

She misses her family so much. Lately, she's been getting this sinking feeling when she sees a picture or any object that reminds her of them. There was even a time yesterday when she almost cried in the middle of a lecture because she kept thinking about the fun they all had during their vacation at Niagra Falls.

She won't call them, though, no matter how much she wants to. She knows that if she calls them out of the blue, she'll just cry or something and eventually, she'll be calling home every single moment to the point that she can't even get out of bed unless she hears their voices. _Toughen up, Casey_, a voice in her head says, and wait, why does it sound suspiciously like Derek's voice? Speaking of him…

She misses her family, all right. 'Family' does not include Derek, because, a.) She'll never miss him since he's in the same school and, despite the fact that he's a _little bit_ nicer now, still manages to annoy her every opportunity he gets, and b.) She's never really thought of him as a brother. (For the record, when she referred to him as her 'brother' the night of their high school graduation, it was a slip up. She just didn't want to admit it then.)

Even her classes aren't helping. She's always enjoyed a challenge, _embraced_ school, but lately she's been feeling stressed with schoolwork, and has to endure evil professors who seem to enjoy ripping their students' confidence out and stepping on it until they've got self-esteem issues. Pleasant, isn't it?

Her confidence is dropping, stress is eating her up, and she's got a bad case of homesickness. Hmm, what else could go wrong?

Oh yeah. Truman broke up with her this morning. Via text message.

_Bastard_.

(In another time, Casey would probably scold herself at the use of such language, but she's tired and angry, so she thinks she's entitled to a little cursing.)

It feels like Toronto again, only this time, she's actually madder at herself than him. She knew he was bad news, heck, she _saw_ concrete evidence right before her very eyes, and still she took him back—what kind of self-respecting girl would do that?

Oh yeah. She did. Great going, Casey, really smart move.

The thing is, though, it doesn't hurt as much as she expected it to. Sure, her heart feels like it's been smashed up into tiny bits and pieces, but she actually feels calmer, more rational this time. She knows that she won't beat herself up over this whole thing this time around. Because, truth be told, whatever she felt for him after the party incident had never really quite matched up to what she'd felt for him before it. It was only a matter of time.

(Since she's being honest, she'll admit that didn't take Truman back just because she liked him; she also did it because she also did because she didn't want to be alone. Looking back now, she realizes how much of an idiot she was for giving up so much of herself and her ideals for someone she never really cared much about in the first place.)

But still, Truman breaking up with her is the icing on top of the cake. A cake flavored with Casey's problems. Yay.

She feels restless all of a sudden, and she knows she has to get out of here before she goes insane. It's not that late, so she leaves, with no concrete place in mind.

Her feet somehow take her to Derek's dorm room. How should she know why she ended up there? Even she isn't sure.

She's about to turn around and leave, but she finds herself knocking on his door instead. She figures she'll annoy him or something, _anything_ to get her mind off her life, which is currently mirroring a daytime soap-opera so well that it's almost scary.

"Casey?" He opens the door and frowns and looks surprised when he sees her. "Uh…what are you doing here?"

"Um," she bites her lip, thinking. She opts for honesty. "Nothing, I guess I just…needed someone familiar to talk to?" Damn it, why did it have to come out as a question? (And why did she have to tell him the pathetic truth?)

"And you picked _me_? If you wanted to talk, why couldn't you have just called? Not that I'd probably answer, but hey, they invented phones for a reason, you know."

"I was just---" She breaks off when her eyes catch sight of a blonde girl sitting on his bed. The sudden feeling that hits her is hard to describe: it's surprise mixed with disgust mixed with a lot of other weird emotions that she can't identify or understand.

Whatever it is though, she's surprised to learn that it hurt more than when she'd read Truman's break-up message.

"Oh." Why is her voice higher than usual? "I see you have _company_," she says, and she hopes her voice sounds disgusted and not weak.

"Yeah," he replies with a small smirk. "So if this can wait, then--"

"Oh no, sure, sure," she says hurriedly, and she's horrified to feel the beginnings of tears in her eyes. What is _wrong_ with her? "I don't want to get between whatever you two are doing, anyway. And no, I don't want to know what it is you are doing with her. I'll just…I'll just go..." Only she says it so fast that it's almost unintelligible, but she doesn't want to repeat herself.

He looks at her more closely, and she's _so close_ to freaking out now. "Case? You okay?" he asks, his frown deepening. "You look a little--"

"I'm fine," she snaps at him. "Just a bit stressed, that's all. Derek, just go in--"

He gives her a look and before he shuts the door, he says, "Fine. Whatever you say. Look, I have to get back to Trish, but if you still want a 'familiar face' to talk to later, then just, I don't know, come find me. If you can. Or something."

_Second priority_, her mind suddenly whispers to her. _He's just told you you're second priority._

The pain worsens. She doesn't know why she suddenly cares.

Her legs feel wobbly as she walks, trying to understand what the hell just happened back there. Why is she reacting this way, why does she feel like this, and could someone please get this irrational pain from her and throw it away? There are so many things she doesn't understand, and right now, with her emotions already raw from her previous crisis, she doesn't know if she can stand it anymore.

The _why_ of it all is the big mystery to her, and she fries her brain thinking about it, hoping that it'll take her focus off the fact that she's never felt worse than now.

Her mind, as if it had a mind of its own (Haha. That sounds funny. And twisted. There really is something wrong with her) does a sudden, series of flashbacks unbidden: Derek calling her dad. Him editing that documentary project of hers. Helping her out with the kids during summer. Prom night. Volunteering to be her partner for the dance contest (even though she knows it was against his will). Doing all that he did during the party with Vicky and Truman, among other instances.

In that instant, the proverbial light bulb goes off in her head, and the light of her sudden realization is so strong that she actually sinks to the floor.

"He's always been there," she whispers to herself, eyes wide. "He's always been saving me, helping me…. Oh my god."

Just like that, so many things become _so_ much clearer: Why she ended up going to him when she was feeling low, why a _Rare Times Derek Wasn't Being an Ass_ folder in her brain even _existed_, why….there are so many things that she finally understands all at once, and the enormity of it all actually makes her sink lower.

Apparently, Derek isn't the only clueless one between the both of them.

He's done a lot for her these past few years. True, most of them were against his will and sometimes managed to land her in sticky situations, but the point is, he was _there_. She's always thought that the times she goes and helps him are one-sided. Now she knows they're not.

Good Lord. Is it actually possible that she…might…_need_ him? The very thought manages to send her heart into heartbeat-overdrive and the knot in her stomach to tighten.

See, the thing you have to understand about Casey is, she likes things to be two sided. She needs certain people, but she also likes to feel needed by _them_ in return. He's made it pretty obvious just now that he doesn't need her at all, and oh god, it still hurts, but now she finally knows the answer, even if she doesn't want to admit it to herself just yet.

All the times she needed help, needed someone to save her or something, he'd always been there to pick up the pieces, even if she didn't ask him to. She's grown so used to it happening that she doesn't even notice anymore. And now, the one time she's completely feeling like shit and realizes that she might need him after all, he isn't there.

That's why it hurts.

Casey doesn't _want_ to need him. She _can't_.

Another thing you need to know about her is, she likes predictability, familiarity. She _thrives_ in it. She'll never say it, but for a long time now, she's been fighting and arguing with Derek because it's familiar, because it's the only thing, the only relationship between them she knows well. Anything else, anything _new_, scares her. So suddenly realizing that she –_might_- need him?

Terrifying.

..-*-*-*-*-*-..

The next weekend, she goes back home. It's a complete surprise to all of them when she arrives early the next morning. Casey tells them she wanted to surprise everyone, and that she missed and wanted to see them. And of course, because it's Casey, they accept her explanation and don't ask any other questions.

She doesn't tell them she's doing it because she wants to avoid Derek. Obviously.

Casey's no coward. She's never really been one to shy away from a challenge, a confrontation. She's even told herself more than once that doing all this just to avoid him is useless, seeing as they never saw each other much again after the last time they talked. But this is new territory to her. This…_thing_ she's just realized is something completely beyond her control and expectations, and she finds it hard to deal when something unprecedented happens. She wants to think it through properly, understand it in a place where she feels safe in, and not somewhere where she constantly feels like she's suffocating in.

Besides. She honestly did miss all of them.

She's in her old room, and yeah, it feels good to be back. Her fingers are drumming on her sheets as one hand writes into a notebook. She hasn't written poetry in awhile, and it feels nice to have an outlet. How wonderful it is to have peace at last.

And then she hears Marti's voice yell, "Smerek!" from downstairs, and just like that, her so-called peace is shattered.

She stands up so fast her notebook is sent flying. No, she couldn't have imagined it…could she? No matter what, Casey knows that she can't spend the entire weekend paranoid, so she leaves her room to check.

She stops at the foot of the stairs when she sees _him_ in the living room with George and her mom. "This is a surprise!" George is saying. "First Casey, and now you. But we're glad to have you here, son. Now---"

His head snaps up and their eyes meet, and good grief, it's so intense that she can't even pull away even if she wanted to. "Hey Spacey," he finally says by way of greeting.

"Derek," she returns, adding an eye-roll for effect, and she's glad to see that her voice isn't quivering. Oh no, she thinks, gripping the railing of the staircase so hard that her knuckles are turning white. This isn't good. How can you avoid someone who's always there?

..-*-*-*-*-*-..

It's currently—who knows what the time is? And does it even matter anyway? It's definitely late, though, and she can't sleep. For the first time, she's bothered by the fact that he's sleeping in the next room, and that there's only a thin wall separating them. Deciding that it was better to stop trying to get to sleep, at least for now, she leaves her room and goes downstairs to get a glass of water from the kitchen.

He's there when she arrives.

A sound escapes the back of her throat before she can help it, and he looks up. They don't say anything for a while. Casey she gets her glass of water in silence. She's going to take it up to her room and return the glass tomorrow, so she doesn't have to stay. And she almost succeeds in leaving if not for the fact that Derek calls her name.

"Casey."

It's instinct; she turns. "What?"

"What are you doing home?"

"I missed the family. I wanted to surprise them," she says simply, employing every ounce of acting talent she had. Cool, calm, and collected, Casey. She will not freak out. She won't. She—

"Bullshit," he shoots back calmly. "I taught you how to lie, remember? You still haven't mastered it. What are you doing here, really?"

"Why do you want to know, anyway?" she snaps, and she's glad to note that she really is irritated. Good, Casey, anger is good. "Like most things concerning me, Derek, it's none of your business."

"Just wondering, that's all," he says, throwing his arms up in defense. "First you arrive at my dorm room looking really weird and more Spacey-ish than usual, and now I have to find out from your roommate that you left for home for the weekend. Not exactly normal behavior for you, is it, Case?"

"Derek, will you just---anyway, what are _you_ doing here in the first place?"

He looks appropriately taken aback by her question, almost as if he hadn't expected it. "What?" he says after awhile. "Well, I'm here because I wanted a midnight snack." (Instantly, she's reminded of "_Kayaking?"_ Some things never change._)_

"Not the kitchen, Derek, I mean home, in general. Why are you here? And don't tell me it's because you're homesick, because, as you've repeatedly told me, you have no heart." She folds her arms and revels in his discomfort. Ha. Let him be in the one in the hot seat, for once.

"Dad and Nora had something to tell me," he finally says.

"And they couldn't have just called? They invented phones for a reason, you know," she replies, echoing his earlier words to her. For once, he looks uncomfortable; he can't even lie properly. And oh, call her sadistic, but she loves finally having the upper hand.

"I don't need to answer your question," he points out. "You didn't answer mine, so it's only fair."

"And since when have _you_ been the spokesperson for fairness?" _It's so unfair that you make me feel like this but you don't even know it. _

"I never said I was," he fires back

"Derek, just tell me! It's simple: I came home because….Fill in the blanks." She's close to yelling now, although she's not sure why.

He walks over to her, and before she can realize it, he's standing so close to her that she can feel his breath on her cheek, and wow, it manages to give her the shivers. "Why do you want to know so much, Casey?" he asks her, and why, oh why does he have to look at her like _that_? "Why does it matter so much to you?"

Right then and there, she realizes that she's tired. Tired of this game they've been playing since Day One, tired of pretending (She is an actress, after all), tired of figuring out something that deep down, she already knew a long time ago. Mostly she's tired of running away.

Time to reach the finish line, Casey.

"It matters because…" She has to say it before she lets fear get the best of her. "You're the reason why I came here."

It takes him sooner to recover than she expects. "What?" he finally gets out, and his voice isn't smooth and polished like always. "What do you---"

"I left because for the first time, I realized that I needed you, and it scared me," she finally says, and once she does, the feeling that overcomes her is a mixture of anxiety and…relief? She tells herself to keep her voice steady, to steel her heart against whatever more pain he could cause her, because _damn_ _it_, even though she's completely broken, Casey McDonald will _not_ become weak and pathetic again just because of a guy.

Oh, God. Who is she kidding? Derek was never just 'a guy'. He's always been the only one who could see through her, the one who could successfully turn her entire world off-balance and topsy-turvy.

That alone makes her want to hate him. But she can't. And if she's honest with herself, she's never really been able to.

"I don't know why, I don't understand it, but somehow…." She'll look him in the eyes, because she doesn't want to be called a coward when she says it. And she'll do it because she wants him to see how much he's broken her, and never forget.

"You have me, Derek—it's that simple."

Silence meets her statement. And every second that he stands there without saying a word, a fragment of her heart digs deeper into her soul.

Derek finally opens his mouth. And what does he do? He _laughs_. It's not his usual, _I'm-making-fun-of-you laugh_, it's more of his quieter, _Wow-this-is-unexpected-and-so-weirdly-ironic _laugh, but _still_.

He doesn't stop, though, so she ignores her sinking heart, rolls her eyes and tries to downplay the situation as much as she can. "What was I thinking, telling you? There is no way I'm listening to this anymore."

She turns and as she starts to walk away, Derek calls out, "Where are you going?"

"Bed," she replies shortly as she stops and turns to look at him. "Because while I might have thrown my pride out the window by pouring my stupid heart and soul out to you, I'd still like to retain whatever single shred of dignity I have left, so there is no way I'm staying to watch you laugh in my face."

Casey doesn't make it to the stairs. She's suddenly much too preoccupied with having Derek's lips on hers.

It takes her a split second to realize that _he's_ kissing _her_, but the thought fades away as she allows herself to flow along the stream of sensations. And oh my, it's a _wonderful_ feeling, and she's so afraid to _hope_, but she can't help but do it anyway.

"You really are clueless, aren't you?" He says afterwards, shaking his head.

In spite of the fact that she's still reeling from the kiss, she manages gives him an indignant, "Excuse me?"

"Casey." His hands are on her waist, and he's looking at her with an expression that looks almost like exasperation. "Seriously. If you still don't realize by now that I'm here because I came after you and that those…_feelings _of yours aren't one-sided, then you must be either really blind, or just plain stupid."

_A confession, then an insult._ It's funny, really, how a few words can manage to superglue your heart back into place.

"If that's true," she finally manages to say amidst the quick beating of her heart, "Then why did you laugh?"

"Because this whole thing is so fucking ironic, that's why," he replies. For a moment, there's silence, and she takes the opportunity to give him a searching look. One thing about Derek: His mouth may say anything, but his eyes never lie.

They aren't lying now.

It's him who breaks the silence, and god, it feels so surreal to be talking quasi-normally to each other after such a drama-filled, emotion-packed situation. "We're still going to fight a lot," he points out.

She nods. _Duh_. Of course she knows that. "I know. I'll probably still yell at you for being immature and irresponsible--"

"—and I'll still make fun of you for being a neurotic, impossible princess--"

"We'll probably drive each other crazy---"

"—not to mention all of our friends--"

"--oh, and there's the family too, especially with the baby on the way---"

"And we'll spend majority of our time annoyed at each other--"

"—Exactly," she says, then shrugs. "Then again, we've been doing it for years, haven't we? Why change a winning formula?" He only laughs, a _genuine _laugh, and while there's still some things they need to say, it could wait. For now, let them have their moment.

She's read about love so many times to know how it would feel theoretically. She's watched movies to see how everything would play out. But then and there, she realizes that you don't really know what love is or feels like until you've actually experienced it.

So she doesn't get her valiant prince charming on a white horse. So she doesn't get a flawless, perfect, happily-ever-after. Instead, she gets an argumentative, sometimes-sweet but obviously imperfect guy who loves contradicting everything she says, and they're in their old home at half-past midnight. Hardly romantic.

Casey doesn't get her perfect storybook finale. But guess what? She doesn't care anymore.

Some things are overrated anyway.

* * *

So, what did you guys think? I honestly don't like the confessing-their-feelings scene much, I don't think I did a good job with it, so as always, constructive criticism is welcome! I'd love to hear what you think, and how I can improve...thanks in advance for reading/reviewing!


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